Doo-Doo Assaults Area Prep School

Pandemonium ensued earlier today after a fecal incident left Fairfield College Preparatory School students covering faces and fleeing the school's cafeteria.

At around 10:00 AM EST, several students lounging in Prep's cafeteria noticed a strong odor coming from the area's water fountain. After quick investigation, students realized that a significant amount of "straight shit and doodoo and other gross shit" was bubbling up from the fountain drain.

The students, instead of alerting the administration, laughed uproariously as other hapless students walked by the fecal geyser. A cafeteria employee soon saw the poop as it dripped from the rim of the fountain onto the tile floor. Alerting school officials, he promptly began removing the drain sieve and plunging the pipe.

Despite the quick action, raw sewage began to flow even faster as students upstairs flushed more toilets.

Another employee grabbed a drain snake and wound the wire deep into the doodoo, but to no avail. School officials soon closed the buildings lavatories, and called the University plumbing department to assist.

While employees wiped still-wet feces from the rim of the water fountain with a rag that was probably used to clean the griddle, students reacted quickly.

"We were just sitting here when we saw shit start to come out the fountain. We were like 'No, thats not poop, just rusty water.' Then we went to go buy cookies, and it smelt like somebody took a dump on the floor, so I just got a soda instead" says an unnamed student.

Charles Inzucchi told many, "I can't remember the last time I put a dollar into a vending machine."

Latest accounts say at least two Roto-Rooter panel vans have been called to the incident, and there is talk that the school may be closed for Tuesday. Several strict codes exist in Connecticut regarding lavatory availability in schools, and with the entire sewage system for the building out of commission, classes may not be permitted to meet.

There has been no indication the incident was purposefully caused by a student, but school officials refused to comment.