Human Remains Found in Newtown Residence

Late Wednesday night, Poverty Hollow was a lonely and dark street. A single red Chevrolet whipped through the back-country road, bound for the north end of town.

On the left hand side of the road, our author passed a familiar site, a small pond with a doghouse atop a small peninsula. His eyes scanned to the right, where it rested on a stationary Newtown Police cruiser.



Our author stamped on his brake pedal, slowing the SUV to a 20 mph
crawl. However, the cruiser was facing southbound, and unoccupied. With a snicker, the author realized the officer was most probably crashing a raucous house party. Delighted that many court dates would no doubt be issued, he continued to drive away.


However, before he had fully passed the house, something caught his eye again. A large panel van, with the words POLICE across all surfaces, dominated the driveway. Yellow CRIME SCENE tape covered every door to the house.

Something was awry.


The next day, our author researched the matter, and found a deeply disturbing motive behind the Policial activity.



According to local newspapers, human remains (notably bones) were found wrapped in bags and covered with sheets at 89 Poverty Hollow Road in Newtown. The residence's owners were pulling up old flooring in the home's kitchen, when they located a crawl space with a large hatch cover.

Upon opening the hatch cover, they found several bags covered in a sheet. After a few minutes, they opened the bags revealing what they believed was a human femur.

State medical examiners have analyzed the remains, and found them to belong to the late Elizabeth Heath, who was reported missing in 1984 (coincidence? I would think not. Wonder if she frequented illicit drinking establishments...).

Mrs. Heath was reported missing by her husband, John Heath, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. Police have confirmed however that he does live in the area.

Police have confirmed that they are investigating the incident as a homicide, and reported that Elizabeth Heath went missing from her home April 6, 1984. The bones were found with a nightgown.

On a lighter note, apparently the much photographed hero of the day was none other than local law enforcement figure Officer Bart Lorancaitis. CT Post photographs feature only two Newtown Police troopers, Officer Bart and Lt. George Sinko (who was holding a press conference).

Reports are unclear, but several eyewitnesses claim that Officer Bart was first on the scene, and kicked the door in to find a zombie meth-addict skeleton busily torturing several innocent schoolchildren. Officer Bart proceeded to fire upon the zombie meth-addict skeleton, after which it crumpled into a pile of bones into neat little bags.

NPD could not be reached for comment, but the public demands commendation for Officer Bart. If not for his heroic actions, at least for looking fucking boss on a crime scene in 3 our of 4 of these pictures.

I mean, look at this simp in the red. How is he supposed to kick ass with a long sleeve polo shirt on? Looks like he's at a company-sponsored picnic. That gun looks fake too.

To top it off, his reading glasses are on little strings around his neck. Is he a librarian or a cop?