IKE FLOODS HAITI, MOVES TOWARDS FLORIDA

AP
In what is proving to be yet another catastrophic hurricane season, long-dead President and war hero Dwight D. Eisenhower dumped record rainfall on Haiti and the Dominican Republic today. With limited resources at hand, Haitian leaders are calling to the UN for help rebuilding after Ike passed through the Caribbean nations.

Haitian President René Préval had this to say: “At this time, we are making all efforts to regroup after the terrible tragedy. We continue to offer our own prayers to those now in the path of the late President.” The President was then asked if he believed human-caused global warming was to blame. “I have yet to see any hard evidence, but one thing is for certain. If there is any way… to stop these storms from ravaging our people, we must find it. What is next, Hurricane [LB] Johnson?”

Despite the UN’s best efforts, Ike continues to make his way towards the coast of Florida. Residents, busy boarding up their homes, now see the storms wrinkled brow and blatantly obvious liver spots. The NOAA have just today labeled Ike a Category 4 Grumpy Bastard.