4:39 EST - The world's latest scientific advancement know as the LHC (Large Hadron Collider) was successfully tested the morning of September 10 underneath the France-Swiss Border near Geneva, Switzerland. The first protons were beamed across the 14 mile racetrack 300 feet underground at 4:39 AM EST. To the dismay of many doomsday sayers, the LHC did not create any earth swallowing black hole. To the surprise of all of us, including the team of scientists who worked 14 years on safely creating the LHC, a smaller black hole was indeed created that still remains a threat to all of mankind. Scientist Tom Wyntie said of the 8 billion dollar project "No single person on the team thought that such a terrible tragedy would come from such a magnificent instrument of science." The black hole created by the LHC is said to be residing in the body of one of America's most annoying and most desperate D-list celebrities, none other than Rosie O'Donnell. Scientists are still trying to find the cause of such a quantum leap from where the black hole should have been created 300 feet underground in Geneva, to where the black hole was found and began absorbing visible light and anything that had fallen below its event horizon, in the back alley of
Brandy's Piano Bar. At press time, Rosie's lesbian life partner/manager, Kelli Carpenter, did not return calls for comment. It can only be assumed that she had gone to far with Rosie on their designated "Wizards Sleeve Wednesday's" AKA "Wookie Wednesdays" and fell into the gravitational field between Rosie's legs. Scientists say that the Black Hole is most likely residing in the minge of Rosie, where they have been known to reside before. In 1994 while working on the set of the film remake of
Grease Rosie was found to be hoarding all of the stage workers lunch's and cakes through a freshly formed black hole located in her minge. It is no shock to British physicist Daniel Denegri who said of the situation "I'm not surprised Rosie spawned a black hole in her twat waffle, in fact if you were to ask me if the LHC were to create a black hole anywhere, I would've guessed her mucker first." It is projected by the LHC team that after absorbing Donald Trump, Catholics, most of the cast of
The View, as well as most Republicans, Rosie will increase the photon sphere, crank up the gravity, and turn the entire rest of the world in anti-matter
.
